Life....

Abhinivesah = Clinging to bodily life. 

Its now around Thanksgiving beginning of December and I had completed some of the Kids Yoga Teacher Training (KYTT).  After attending the first weekend of training, I was really glad that I was signed up for Dharma Yoga, because I felt as though I really needed to know the poses, how to do partner poses and also learn the alignment.  I felt a little overwhelmed, there is a LOT to know. Teaching Kids/Tweens yoga was a little different than adult yoga, there's a lot more "play" involved but also a need for structure and consistency.   I was still interested and excited about where yoga was leading me.  Am I taking this course so that I find out that this is absolutely what I do NOT want to do? or is this guiding me into a whole other direction that I never imagined?

On the day I was scheduled to teach my first Kids Yoga class (ages 4-11) I received a call from my Sister.   She went on to say that my Father was not well, he lives in Ireland and she was letting me know they had "found something" in a chest xray.  My dad is 84yrs old and has been through many treatments over the past 4-5yrs ranging from Double hip replacement, triple bipass, abdominal aortic aneurysm, each one he has triumphantly survived.  This time felt different, the call left me with a bad feeling about this whole thing.  Needless to say, I did not teach this class this day.  The next few days were a blur and a text from my sister saying that Dad "took a turn for the worse" just confirmed the need to go to Ireland NOW.  We flew to Dublin, got the rental car and were well on our way to see him when I called my sister to let her know what time we would arrive, not at all expecting what was next.  She went on to let me know that he had passed away peacefully last night, surrounded by all those he was close to over the years.  I was heartbroken.  Nothing prepares you for this.  Nothing anyone can say or do will make anything better.  I was staring out the car window at the very green Irish landscape.  The most magical rainbow appeared and the colors were just so vibrant against the dramatic sky.  Everything felt surreal.

All his life, he was afraid of the "c" word - Cancer. They had found a small mass in his lung and the biopsy confirmed it was small cell Lung Cancer.  I think once my father heard that diagnosis, he pretty much just said - That's it, I'm out of here!  or as he used to say "That's it! in the box!" pointing to the ground.    It was very soon after he received the news that his health rapidly declined, like within 24hrs of hearing that news.  Talk about clinging to life - "Abhinivesah" - he pretty much let go.  He was ready.   Sadly, none of us were.  I guess Abhinivesah can also be for those who are grieving, time to let go and know, it was his time, he had a great life, he will be missed and he never wanted to have a long drawn out death.

The next few days everything seemed to just flow - funeral arrangements, flowers, the wake, a variety of handshakes expressing condolences, church, pub, tea, sandwiches, hot whiskeys, lots of stories, punctuated with laughter and remembering my father.  He was well known, an avid 25-card game player and quite the character!  We left Ireland shortly after the burial and made our way back home to VT.  One thing I learned about grief..... its sneaky!  Just when you think you are OK, you are NOT!    After a day of rest and long naps, I passed my messy desk and realized I needed to get back to work, the desk wasn't going to clean itself, emails were not going to be answered unless I did that myself.... Life goes on.....