Life....

Abhinivesah = Clinging to bodily life. 

Its now around Thanksgiving beginning of December and I had completed some of the Kids Yoga Teacher Training (KYTT).  After attending the first weekend of training, I was really glad that I was signed up for Dharma Yoga, because I felt as though I really needed to know the poses, how to do partner poses and also learn the alignment.  I felt a little overwhelmed, there is a LOT to know. Teaching Kids/Tweens yoga was a little different than adult yoga, there's a lot more "play" involved but also a need for structure and consistency.   I was still interested and excited about where yoga was leading me.  Am I taking this course so that I find out that this is absolutely what I do NOT want to do? or is this guiding me into a whole other direction that I never imagined?

On the day I was scheduled to teach my first Kids Yoga class (ages 4-11) I received a call from my Sister.   She went on to say that my Father was not well, he lives in Ireland and she was letting me know they had "found something" in a chest xray.  My dad is 84yrs old and has been through many treatments over the past 4-5yrs ranging from Double hip replacement, triple bipass, abdominal aortic aneurysm, each one he has triumphantly survived.  This time felt different, the call left me with a bad feeling about this whole thing.  Needless to say, I did not teach this class this day.  The next few days were a blur and a text from my sister saying that Dad "took a turn for the worse" just confirmed the need to go to Ireland NOW.  We flew to Dublin, got the rental car and were well on our way to see him when I called my sister to let her know what time we would arrive, not at all expecting what was next.  She went on to let me know that he had passed away peacefully last night, surrounded by all those he was close to over the years.  I was heartbroken.  Nothing prepares you for this.  Nothing anyone can say or do will make anything better.  I was staring out the car window at the very green Irish landscape.  The most magical rainbow appeared and the colors were just so vibrant against the dramatic sky.  Everything felt surreal.

All his life, he was afraid of the "c" word - Cancer. They had found a small mass in his lung and the biopsy confirmed it was small cell Lung Cancer.  I think once my father heard that diagnosis, he pretty much just said - That's it, I'm out of here!  or as he used to say "That's it! in the box!" pointing to the ground.    It was very soon after he received the news that his health rapidly declined, like within 24hrs of hearing that news.  Talk about clinging to life - "Abhinivesah" - he pretty much let go.  He was ready.   Sadly, none of us were.  I guess Abhinivesah can also be for those who are grieving, time to let go and know, it was his time, he had a great life, he will be missed and he never wanted to have a long drawn out death.

The next few days everything seemed to just flow - funeral arrangements, flowers, the wake, a variety of handshakes expressing condolences, church, pub, tea, sandwiches, hot whiskeys, lots of stories, punctuated with laughter and remembering my father.  He was well known, an avid 25-card game player and quite the character!  We left Ireland shortly after the burial and made our way back home to VT.  One thing I learned about grief..... its sneaky!  Just when you think you are OK, you are NOT!    After a day of rest and long naps, I passed my messy desk and realized I needed to get back to work, the desk wasn't going to clean itself, emails were not going to be answered unless I did that myself.... Life goes on.....

Acceptance.....

Taken from : weheartit.com

Shortly after emailing my application to Dharma Yoga, I drove back to Vermont, all the while thinking "what did I just do?"!  I arrived home and decided to dig through some books on Yoga that I had purchased over the years.  One of which was the Hatha Yoga Pradipika.  I laughed a little because I remembered the time I purchased this back in 2003 from a little shop in Jackson Heights, NYC.  I remember flipping through it on the 7-train on my way home and finding the page with the illustration of Vastra Dhauti (cloth cleansing) and thinking to myself,  "NO WAY am I going to do that!"  For those of you who know nothing about what Vastra Dhauti is here is the Definition found in the Hatha Yoga Pradipika : "A Strip of cloth, four angulas wide (i.e. seven to eight centimeters) and fifteen handspans (i.e. one and a half meters) in length is slowly swallowed and then taken out, as instructed by the guru.  This is known as Dhauti."  I also flipped through to see other various illustrations of cleansing techniques and thought that if this is what it takes to be a Yogi, I dont think I can do this.  I guess, I still have to find out if I will ever do this, but this was my initial thoughts on what a Yogi is.

What happened over the next few weeks was just a huge wave of saying "yes" to everything.  I was in class in Savasana in Honest yoga and at the end of class the teacher usually says some inspiring quote or poem.   This day, as I lay there, I could see (in my mind) my teachers face and her mouth moving to the words of inspiration she was saying, only that her mouth was changing to various children's mouths/smiles/teeth and it was strange.  When we said our final OM, the teacher announced an upcoming training "Childrens/teens Yoga teacher training" What? how weird was that?   I felt a sense of excitement about the announcement.  I'm not sure if it was the full moon, hormones, or what, but I was thinking "Hmm, Kids Yoga, I would have never thought of doing that!" but here I am excited about it.  I went home and discussed this with my husband, who only encouraged me to just "Do it!" 

I received an email stating that I was accepted to the Dharma Yoga 200HR YTT in February 2016 and received the list of books to read and homework.    Accepted? wait! what? Will I be ready?  What is going on? Where is this leading me to?  Here I am also signing up for a Kids YTT.  I was excited and nervous all at once.  I had homework for both trainings and had lots of reading to complete.  I knew I wanted to give both of them my best attention. I guess this is when Yoga really needs to help, I needed to focus and have the ability to remain calm and not get stressed out.   I was worried about the financial, emotional, physical and mental strain and just hoped that YOGA would be the support I needed to get me through it all. 

Commitment to yoga...

Here I am, one month after discovering Honest Yoga and attending classes everyday.  I was committed to healing my arm/shoulder and improve my posture and breathing. I needed to make this a priority in my life and not offer excuses anymore.   What was happening was that I was committing myself to Yoga.   Committing myself to myself.   As a Massage Therapist, I have provided care to many clients over the years, often, forgetting about myself.  I mean, who wants a burned out Massage Therapist in pain? So, I made the commitment to do this for myself, my clients and my work that I love, to be able to provide massage for years to come.   I was finally feeling better after all the different therapies and exercises, Yoga seemed to be putting it all together.

Over the years, if you have been a client of mine, you might have listened to me recommend yoga at least once a week "for stretching."  What I'm learning is that Yoga is much much more than "stretching" your muscles.   I am experiencing a greater sense of focus, calm and less reactive to things.  I'm also learning that it really does take a good teacher to bring you to that place of deep healing, inner awareness and stillness.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, my love affair with yoga began in the year 2000.  I encountered some great teachers at Dharma Yoga in NYC and often found myself thinking back to that space, the teachers, the style and also Dharma.  I never actually attended a class with Dharma when I was living in NYC because he mostly taught the "master" class and I heard the people who went to that class were mostly yoga teachers.  However, I still remember him saying to me "Come in and try for yourself" and remember waiting for the beginners class to start one day seeing him interact with students and he was a very humble guy.   Unlike some well known yoga teachers who seem to function from Ego.  Dharma seemed to be the "real deal."  The yoga at Dharma Yoga is classical Hatha Yoga with breathing techniques, asanas, chanting, discussion of yogic lifestyle and often the harmonium was played.  I found myself still wanting to do a Yoga Teacher training, it just seemed to be calling me.   I was now feeling more confident that with more practice, I may in fact, be ready for Dharma 200Hr YTT in February, 2016.

I continued going to Honest Yoga regularly and in the midst of my thoughts of doing a training and where this was all leading me, how could I incorporate yoga into my existing clientele etc.  I decided to just apply to Dharma Yoga.  I had already written the essay for the application back in 2014, just never sent it.  I was visiting a friend in Maine one weekend in November, and found myself revising the essay as I drank coffee in her living room.  Before you know it, I had paid the application fee and emailed the required essay and documents.   It took me all morning to remember "how" that just happened, it just seemed flow that way.  I was nervous, excited, scared and not sure what was happening.  Did I really just apply? after all these years? Maybe I was low on sugar, did I eat breakfast? All these thoughts were running through my head.  Then, because we were close to the beach, I decided to go for a walk by the ocean.   There is just something about the sound of waves that grounds me.  I went to the beach, took a short walk and sat there for a bit, sun was shining, waves were crashing on the ground and it all felt just "right," everything felt perfect, even the decision to send that application!

Honestly Yoga...

It's September 2015 and my decision to try Honest Yoga here in Vermont,  was one made with the intention of preparing myself for Dharma Yoga Teacher training.   I attended my first class not knowing what to expect.  It was a relatively warm September here in VT and I was unaware that this class was a heated class until I was in the room.  I'm thinking to myself "hmm, I'm just going to melt to pieces here" and "had I known this was a hot yoga class, I probably would have stayed at home" these were thoughts in my head as I lay on my mat waiting for class to begin.   What happened in the next hour was exactly what I was looking for!  Danielle, who was trained by Dharma, lead the class through a series of poses, queuing clear directions to transition us to the next pose with breath and most of all intention.  She reminded us throughout the class to "let go of something" in the pose.  Let go of something? I felt like I wanted to let go of everything! Tension, emotions, thoughts, anger, fear, you name it, it was all coming up on that mat that day.  Did I let go of something? YES!  Did I gain a better awareness of "who" I am and who I needed to be? YES! Was it because Danielle's ques or clear communication of how to get into the pose allowed me to go deeper? Was it the music? or was it the fact I was actually on a mat, in a hot yoga class, and enjoying every single minute of it? YES to all!
When I walked out of the class in a daze, processing what just happened in there.  Danielle let me know that there was a new student deal of $50month unlimited (vs. $18per class). Pretty sweet deal! So I got the unlimited monthly deal and thought to myself, "self, if you just go to three classes, it pretty much pays for itself."  I had to go sit in my car for about 10min before I was able to drive home that day, release of toxins flooding my system.  I'm also sure my body was saying "what the hell just happened!"  From that day,  I went to class everyday for the next month, sometimes twice a day if I had the time or missed a day.  Its hot yoga but not 100+degrees, the room is kept at about 85-90degrees, so its tolerable.  Another plus to Honest Yoga is that their studio is CLEAN! and I mean clean, like not smelly like a locker room!   Overall, I felt good knowing that I had found a studio I liked AAAND Danielle was trained by Dharma, so attending these classes can prepare me for Yoga Teacher training if I ever got around to doing it.
What I have learned in that month about yoga and asana is that it IS practice!  All these amazing yogis in these beautiful poses you see on instagram, they didnt just wake up one day and take a photo, that might be the result of YEARS of practice.  I really wanted to start a blog to let people know that YOGA IS PRACTICE! it is constant practice!  What I'm also learning is that Yoga is more than the pose.  Its mental, physical, emotional and therapeutic on all levels.   I'm realizing I'm not as reactive to peoples' actions or words and am finding a deeper peace within myself.

Continued from  : January 20th, 2016.

I decided to follow this guy up the stairs and it was two very long flights to the third floor, straight up.  I entered the studio and immediately felt a sense of "home" or "this is it!" so to speak.
It was exactly what I was envisioning what a yoga studio should feel like, look like and be.   I went in, picked up a flyer, and signed up for the beginners course.   I began to attend regular classes there for a while, until life, work and scheduling became harder to fit yoga classes in.   I purchased their DVD and tried to have a home practice for the times I couldn't make it into class.  My home practice varied from a daily practice to just actually lying in Savasana and listening to the DVD.  Like I said, I've had a love affair with my yoga practice over the years, some weeks I practiced everyday and not again for months.

Where is all this leading to? well, after moving to Vermont in 2009, I really didn't want to start that search for a yoga studio again, because I felt like I really found yoga at Dharma Yoga.  When you find something that's "just right" its often hard to find something that can compare to that.
I did try a few studios here in VT, and found I was in the same predicament again, like my first search in NYC.   So, I began my practice at home again using the DVD's and found that I really really needed a teacher to advance further and to make sure my alignment is right.  Nothing can replace a good Yoga Teacher!

I began looking into studying at Dharma Yoga and part of the prerequisite for their 200hr YTT is that you attend 50hrs of classes by someone who was taught by Dharma or use the DVD's.  I just knew, if I just used the DVD's, I'd be less prepared for an intensive training.   I searched and found only one person here, who ended up moving to San Fransisco, so I put Yoga on the back shelf for a while because travelling back and forth to NYC to attend classes was just not an option.

After a while, Yoga kept calling me.  Anytime I felt tired, sore, achy, in pain, I kept hearing "Do YOGA!" in my head.  So, I began to look into Dharma Yoga teachers near me and finally found someone at Honest Yoga.   Its now September, 2015 and as I described in the beginning, I was in pain from a job that I LOVE.   Faced with the fear of "what now?" after years of doing Massage I was freaking out about what I would be able to do in years to come.  What if I cant do massage anymore? what's next? what kind of job can I have that still offers me the same schedule and flexibility, ability to help others, see them grow and help alleviate pain.   Naturally, Yoga was an option.

I went into Honest Yoga for my first class in September of 2015.
To be continued...

On the way...

WARNING: I'm not an English major.  If you see mistakes in grammar & spelling etc.  Please feel free to be the first to receive my next post so you may edit my work before I publish. (send me an email).  This of course is not a paid position.  I will kindly do yoga in your honor.   With love, Eileen. 

I'll make a long story short.  I moved to Burlington in 2009 and lets just say, things didn't pan out how we had imagined.  I've been working as a massage therapist for the past 10yrs and this past April was suffering from pain in my hands, arm, neck etc. It was diagnosed as an "overuse" injury.  I  saw several different practitioners for treatment - Acupuncture, chiropractic, Osteopathic, Massage, PT, rolfing, EFT, and others.   I took the recommendations from the various practitioners on exercises and other daily activity modifications to minimize pain.   Nothing seemed to help for longer than 2-3 days.  This is when I decided to practice yoga again.

Like many people, I go through phases of practicing yoga / exercise &  eating well regularly for months, then, start eating heavier rich foods,  wine and not a lot of yoga practice.   This time was different.  I was fed up, frustrated with being in pain, questioning my work and body mechanics and was determined to "fix" this.  I had been practicing yoga over the years at home, following a DVD.  Some days I found that I would FF the dvd, or just lie in savasana for longer than prompted by the instructor on the DVD.  I decided I really needed to find a class near me that I liked.   Not just any class either! I wanted a good class..

I'll rewind a little and let you know that my love affair with Yoga began in 2000-2003 I was on a quest to find my "calling" I had been a waitress for many years and knew I needed to do something else.  I love people.  I love talking. I love helping others.
I had found a yoga studio near me in Queens and began going regularly.  It was not traditional yoga like Hatha yoga but more of a mish/mash of several types of techniques - yoga, tai chi, martial arts, meditation, etc.  I decided this is what I wanted to do, so I signed up to become an instructor.   Later finding out that you could only teach in "their" studios and the training itself was held in Arizona which flights/accommodations etc were all extra on top of the $10-15,000.  A good friend tried to persuade me that maybe a traditional style yoga would be better and that I can teach that anywhere.  I was reluctant to start a new search for a yoga studio that I liked.

I began searching for a yoga studio in NYC and went from place to place.  Some studios, I didnt even make it in the front door, because it just didint "feel right".  I guess instinct, intuition or just a sense that this place was NOT what I was looking for.  I felt a little like goldilocks :studios were too smelly, too pretentious, too expensive, not the right location, class times didnt work, disliked the style, disliked the teacher etc.  Until one day, I was walking on 3rd avenue and passed this place called Dharma Yoga, it was on the top floor of a walk-up, I passed it frequently and decided to look at their schedule.  I stopped to read the schedule and this gentleman saw me and said "Come in and try for yourself!" This man was about late 50's/60yrs old and just went up the stairs.  I thought to myself, even if I don't like the place, I'll get a workout just walking up the stairs!

to be continued.....