Nervous...

All of a sudden, its ONE WEEK away from Dharma YTT in NYC!    I realized after I finished my training at Honest Yoga, it was best if I re-familiarize myself with Dharma's DVD's and prepare myself further for the upcoming training.
I had been familiar with the content of the Dharma Level I DVD,  I had practiced  and listened to all the available options including the Asana workshops, meditation, spiritual discourses and Pranayama. I did not however really ever attempt the Dharma Level II DVD and thought now is a good of time as any to try.  I put on the Dharma Level II and tried the Intermediate Asana practice and what happened over the next hour or so left me VERY worried!  I still cannot get into Headstand (sirsasana-king of all poses) and this was one of the first poses after the series of sun salutations on the DVD.. here I am freaking out that I am so NOT prepared for the upcoming training.  I mean, this is the ONE pose Dharma has said in a previous class I attended "if you cannot do this pose, see a physician!" ....and he continues "OR maybe a shrink!" I'm about to make an appointment with both as I'm finding myself feeling very anxious, nervous and most of all worried!

I had a minor freak-out thinking that I'm not ready, how was I going to do this?  I was still experiencing some weakness in my wrists from the overuse injury and had been avoiding poses that put excessive weight or pressure into the shoulder joint.  Surely with practice and strengthening I can build up to a headstand eventually.  Earlier in April of 2015, I had taken a workshop with another Dharma Yoga teacher Jessica Crow, to build up the confidence and re-wire the FEAR pattern that was so ingrained in my attempts to achieve the pose.  Was it purely ego that was the driving force? or was my higher self/true self tired of being subjected to fear? I think a little of both, but most of all I was determined to break the pattern.  Jessica helped ease my fear and showed me a variety of ways to build up to headstand.  I left there with a better understanding of just 'where' my head needed to be on the mat, what was safe, what was not and most of all...learned that I had a lot of work to do!
 I found the follow-up email Jessica kindly put together for me and I began to review her tips and instruction.  I took what I learned from Jessica and put it into practice.  Little by little, I practiced walking my legs up the wall and was feeling the pressure on the head and neck and began getting used to it.  I still was not ready for full headstand.

Like the Bhagavad Gita says above, I feel I need to offer myself some kindness and be modest or "Temperate" with myself and the journey. .  It will not happen overnight, but Im feeling that my fear is slowly going away.   Constant practice! Constant reassurance! Constant LOVE! and most of all a positive attitude, I have to imagine myself in the Pose!

Heart....

Image found on internet : loriandrus.wordpress.com

Always remember that Nature refuses to be rushed. She can only be made to evolve and that takes time, so take heart."  Sri Dharma Mittra

It's about the second week in January 2016.  Holidays are over.  Grief still lingers.  Winter is still here.   I'm back on the mat regularly and attending the classes at Honest Yoga.  I'm still feeling under prepared to teach my upcoming Kids Yoga Class, but I'm going to give it a shot.  I arrived at the studio, and was relieved to find Danielle there, I thought I would be on my own at least I can look for guidance or ask for help if I needed it.  Kids Yoga class lasts for about 45min with a structured beginning, sun salutations, middle can be mixed up a bit and the ending is usually the same.   What happened over the course of the next 45min was just all over the place!  I really felt like I was a comedian on stage and my act was bombing! One kid kept running out to eat snacks, the other kid wanted to play with Danielle's son.  I just didn't know what to do.  I was lost.  I just wanted to crawl under a mat and disappear!  I waited for Danielle to give me some tips/pointers about what went wrong (some right) after the class.    Her critique was good, and gave me some pointers.  I'm still not convinced that I want to teach children. 

I talked with my husband on the way home from his work that day and told him what happened.  He pretty much laughed a little at me and said, "give me a break!" and went on to reassure me that what just happened, happens to everyone, until they really learn what they are doing.  Similar to the quote above by Dharma, he was pretty much telling me to "take heart" and be patient with myself, there's that word again "Patient"!  I felt a lot better after that conversation, but still didn't feel prepared to teach until I sit in on a few more classes,  take notes,  and go over the notes from class.    I really did not have time to focus or give the Kids Yoga my full attention.  

I guess it goes back to the eye opening revelation I had earlier this year when I heard those same words about the basic poses "preparing you for the more advanced poses" you have to start somewhere and it only will evolve and improve with time.  Lets hope this is the case with the Kids Yoga! 

Consistency...

"Everything depends on your mental attitude" ~ Sri Dharma Mittra

Experiencing any loss can take a lot out of anyone, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

How each of us cope may be different.  How each of us grieve is different.  I found the days after arriving back in Vermont feeling empty, emotionally exhausted and mentally drained.    I got back to work soon after that and also realized that I had let my daily yoga practice slip, probably at the time I needed it the most.  I had come to peace with letting go and accepting death for what it is.  Its not the end.  My father's life will be remembered, he will be missed at card games, the memory of him will still be alive for years to come.

Finding myself back on the mat, still processing, realizing that even one week/10days away from the mat can almost reverse all my hard work.  Another reminder that CONSTANT practice is best!
Consistency should also exist in dietary habits.  Too much of one thing is not good, not enough of another etc, etc and so on.  Balance in flavors and a consistently fresh diet works the best for me.
The holidays were over, of course I indulged a little, maybe even a LOT!  I guess signing up for Dharma's Classes for the day after Christmas was not such a good idea after all.  I was stuffed, had some alcohol, sweets,  heavy foods and decided, maybe this was not a good time to go to class or maybe it was the BEST time, I'll never know, I decided to stay in Brooklyn.

Watching Dharma's DVD's over the years he often says "this is a basic pose, it prepares the body for the more advanced poses."  For years I had watched this DVD and heard him say this over and over.  It wasn't until earlier this year that it finally sunk in!  You need to "BE PATIENT with yourself" is what I kept hearing in my mind, but all I wanted to do was Full lotus, headstand, scorpion and all those beautiful poses you see on Instagram, often frustrated when I was unable to do them. Really?! you expected to get into those poses without working for them?! What I've learned is you really need to be PATIENT, Be CONSISTENT, and most of all Honor your own progress and journey.  I found when I relaxed into the pose and understood that nobody gets there overnight, I began to enjoy yoga with a new understanding.   I began to have a new respect for practice, for diligence and for patience (something I'm still working on).  Like Dharma says above, "Everything depends on your mental attitude" believe me, it does!